Washington, DC (TDP) – Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), senior Senator Lindsay Graham (R-SC), and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) led a delegation of Republican congressman and officials in a frantic search through the Russell Senate Office Building for their missing testicles earlier today.
“They must be in here somewhere,” McConnell commented as he rifled through a basement cleaning closet, “I specifically remember leaving them here just after the 2016 election.”
“I saw Mitt Romney walking around with both of his today, and his backbone as well,” observed Cruz, admiring the Utah Senator’s appropriate posture while assisting Graham as he futilely reached beneath a dripping mop bucket.
Wiping Congressional sludge from his hands, Graham was overheard remarking, “Why don’t you love me, Donald? I know I’m not a smart man but I know what love is.”
Later, the search moved to the U.S. House of Representatives where the group encountered House Speaker Nancy Pelosi exiting the lower house’s Men’s Room.
“Did you boys lose your balls again?” asked Pelosi, shaking her head in disbelief. “I heard you can find them over in the White House locked in the President’s Cabinet along with your sense of shame.”
“And your souls.”
The President’s Cabinet was unavailable for comment.