Washington, DC (TDP) – In a hastily-called news conference, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, made a final, desperate plea to the American public regarding the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. “Please, I’m imploring you, stay at my home.”
“Our holiday plans need to change significantly and that’s one of the things that I tell the American people when I get asked,” Fauci said. “We’ve got to make risk assessment and risk benefit discussions within the family. And I have decided that my home is the safest place to be.”
Before the 79-year-old infectious disease expert was able to clarify his remarks, Trump Administration officials released Fauci’s home address and a link to Google Map directions from all fifty states.
“Dr. and Mrs. Anthony Fauci cordially invite the American public to their home to share in a Thanksgiving potluck feast on Thursday, November 26th at 2:00pm,” the press release stated. “Regrets only to drtony@niaid.gov.”
Potluck suggestions for the expected crowd of 300 million include deviled eggs, stuffed sweet potatoes, and, “Tony’s favorite,” pumpkin bread with salted maple butter.
Fauci’s wife, Christine Grady, a nurse bioethicist, was unavailable for comment.