Local News
Elderly Twin Chairs Die Within Hours of Each Other
Westerville, OH (TDP) – Born in a humble workshop almost 85 years ago, a matching pair of French leather club chairs succumbed to old age this week just hours apart. The […]
Year: 2017
News
Trump University Denied NCAA Tourney Bid
Washington, DC (TDP) – The bubble has burst once again for Trump University. The Men’s NCAA Basketball Selection Committee announced its field of 68 teams for this year’s tournament Sunday […]
Money
Twitter, Apparently, Has Offensive Content Policy
San Francisco, CA (TDP) – In a startling revelation that has sent shockwaves throughout the Internet, Twitter today revealed that they do, in fact, have an offensive content policy. The Daily […]
News
Betsy DeVos Flunks Math
Washington, DC (TDP) – Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos today released a sample of the new standardized testing in mathematics for elementary school children. The College & Careers Readiness Assessment Program (CCRAP) Exam […]
Money
National Onion Association Acquires The Onion
The National Onion Association, official organization of the U.S. onion industry, today announced the acquisition of digital media company The Onion, once known for its weekly satirical newspaper. Univision, parent company […]
News
U.S. Born Terrorists Fear Loss of ObamaCare
Recent actions by the Trump Administration have sent shock-waves through the Al Qaeda and ISIS communities. U.S. born terrorists fear that the looming repeal of the Affordable Care Act will affect […]
News
Trump Offers Immigrants Three-Fifths Compromise
President Trump issued a new Executive Order on immigration today, offering a three-fifths compromise to foreign nationals residing in the United States. Under the order, all foreign nationals and immigrants […]
Local News
Family Dog Refuses to Sign Living Will
A rift has developed within a local family as Trevor, a 12-year-old golden retriever, has refused to sign the living will requested by his owners, the Robertson’s. The will, intended […]
News
President Trump Threatens to “Act Presidential”
In a hastily-called news conference, President Donald Trump today threatened to “act Presidential” if the media continued to cover him with such “hatred.” “I don’t want to do it, but I will. […]
Local News
Protesting Grade Schoolers Melt Trump Snowman in Effigy
Ms. Clark’s 4th grade class at Cedar Grove Elementary School led their schoolmates in a spirited protest this week, highlighted by the melting of a Donald Trump snowman in effigy. […]