News
Boy Scouts to Award Merit Badge in Sexual Harassment
Irving, TX (TDP) – The Boy Scouts of America, in a follow-up announcement to their plans to broadly accept girls into the century-old organization, will begin to offer a merit […]
Year: 2017
News
NRA Proposes Arming of All Casino Patrons, Concert-Goers
Las Vegas, NV (TDP) – Vowing to “never stand down” in its defense of the right to bear arms, the National Rifle Association today proposed the arming of all future […]
News
United States Grants Independence to Puerto Rico
San Juan, Puerto Rico (TDP) – Praising our neighbors “somewhere out there in the Atlantic Ocean,” President Trump today signed an Executive Order granting full and immediate independence to Puerto […]
News
Great Britain Grants Independence to Caribbean Islands
Road Town, British Virgin Islands (TDP) – Queen Elizabeth II today granted full independence to the Virgin Island territories, which had been under British control since the outbreak of the […]
News
Researchers Discover Link Between Alcoholism and Paint-Can-Opening Tool
Durham, NC (TDP) – After years of research, Duke University scientists have discovered a link between the high rate of alcoholism found among commercial painting contractors and the use of bottle […]
News
Lance Armstrong Hired as Mailman in Settlement of U.S. Justice Department Fraud Lawsuit
Washington, DC (TDP) – Attorneys for the U.S. Justice Department announced that they have reached a settlement with former Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong in their $100 million civil fraud […]
Entertainment
U2 Announces Addition of Bush 43 to Band for World Tour
Crawford, TX (TDP) – Irish rock band U2 has announced that former U.S. President George W. Bush will be permanently joining the group for its next world tour and beyond. In an […]
News
Report: 100% of Americans Will Eventually Die Under Republican Healthcare Plan
Washington, DC (TDP) – A recently published report from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) has concluded that every one of the 321.4 million residents of the United States will die if the […]
Money
QVC Purchases Home Shopping Network in Late Night, Drunken Impulse Buy
West Chester, PA (TDP) – After a long, sad night of drinking and missed hookups, QVC, the world’s leading television network shill, dialed the number listed at the bottom of the […]
News
Furloughed New Jersey State Employees Unable to Remove Beached Whale from Shoreline
Island Beach State Park, NJ (TDP) – A large, pugnacious sea mammal appeared to have beached itself at Island Beach State Park in New Jersey over the weekend. However, with the […]